January 2020, you sucked

I really had high hopes for 2020. As an oddly quirky gal obsessed with numbers, I have been looking forward to 2020 for quite some time.  My birthday falls on the 20th of the month (in October, the best birthday month of the year) so I really expected the year of “20” to be amazing.  Inspiring. Game changer.  Instead is started out pretty crappy and barely rebounded by the end of the month.  

I always try to focus on the positive, I really do.  I also tend to overschedule, overcommit, and overwork myself every chance I get.  It’s like my superhero power.  When you do this to yourself, and then the bad things pop up in life, it causes a Bermuda triangle of events and some things (like hope, attitude, and optimism) go right out the window.  This month I apparently had all the windows open and positivity was the first to fly out.  

Here’s my ugly of January:

Day 1:  FRIEND CANCER DIAGNOSIS.  I mean really, 2020.  New Year’s Day? What the actual f*ck. The last two years I now have had two friends battle their own cancer diagnosis and now truly understand the need to swear at cancer.  This time it hit a little closer to home.  Finding the closer it hits, the more helpless you feel. The outlook is optimistic, his attitude is energizing, and the support for my friend & family really is restoring my faith that while there might not be answers for the why, strength in numbers helps everyone push ahead.   

Day 22: ANXIETY.  For the last decade I have managed a heart arrythmia.  With no family history nor any predisposing factors, it tends to annoy the hell out of me that I even have this to deal with.  Since November I have been titrating my medications to help control the palpitations but has still been an issue.  I wanted to do a sleep study as sleep apnea can be a factor with A Fib). During the consult, talking with the MD he agreed with the sleep study, but stated some of my symptoms were “anxiety, not apnea”.  While I *knew* I probably had anxiety, I also *thought* I was handling it better.  No one has ever called me out on it.  After some quality texts with other NPs, friends, and my MD – I have a plan going forward the next few months to see if I can better control the physical aspects that anxiety can affect the body.  Have to admit – acknowledging the issue made a huge difference for about 48 hours.  Then anxiety was like, nice try, I am still here, deal with me. Dammit. 

Day 26: KOBE BRYANT & GIGI BRYANT.  This one hit hard.  Not because of his age.  Not because of his basketball career & star status.  Not because of the accident.  It was because of what he was doing.  Millions of parents each weekend heading out with their kids.  Taking your kid to their game. Their competition. Their tournament. He was doing the common “divide and conquer” approach most parents have to do to make it all work.  You take one kid here; I’ll stay home with the others.  The heartbreak for all nine of the souls lost, the teams that will never be the same, the families that have been impacted and will have to find their new normal.  The reminder of our own mortality, that of our kids mortality, and that you never know what the future holds really hit hard. 

Day 27: GASTROENTERITIS.  While this isn’t something that should crush a spirit – it certainly knocked me down.  Everyone wants to shed a few pounds at the start of the new year; however, I was hoping for the “eat right and exercise” approach, not the “everything you every consumed will now exit your body as quick as possible”.  What I don’t like about being sick is feeling of letting your family and co-workers down.  Only bright spark of the few days recuperating (aside from the weight loss) was the Netflix binge of comedy specials (Richard Pryor) and AMC classics (Cary Grant). It’s hard to be the one needing the care and accepting that you need to rest.     

Day 30:  HOUSE REPAIRS.  I know home ownership requires maintenance, but we just built the house eight years ago. Eight.  But within 12 hours realized the attic ventilation wasn’t up to par and had concerns with the sewer drain leading out of the house. I have no home improvement knowledge base but even I knew our attic wasn’t supposed to look like it did – saturated wood, intermittent mold markings, and condensation on insulation.  I am supposed to be planning college expenses for the HS senior, summer camps, and family vacations – not dropping who knows how much into repairs that technically shouldn’t have issues right now.  Ugh. 

Add in the handful of little things that go amiss during the month.  Tired kids. Work stress. School stress. Grades. Lack of sleep. Pet illnesses. Relationship issues. After school activities. Cold weather. Hot weather. Poor selection of food in the house. Empty ice cream container in the freezer.  Spilled coffee getting out of the car at work. Why am I always washing towels?

355 days to go…

So today, February 1st, 2020, is here.  January is done.  I had little control of anything that happened these last 31 days.  I’ll have little control of anything that happens the next 335 days.  

Some people reading this are going to be upset.  Wonder what am I even complaining about, thinking to themselves ‘that isn’t bad, listen to this…”

They are right. 

I don’t have it bad at all. But even not-so-bad takes it toll.  And my not-so-bad is actually really bad for me.  And I realized this past month, that we tend compare and rationalize the bad in life, and tell ourselves or others they shouldn’t be upset or complain – when what we really need is just to encourage each other to keep going. 

My only plan, with a bit of anxiety mixed into it all, is to focus on encouragement to others, embrace all that life throws at me, and to be kind.  Because every single person reading this, along with every single person you interact with on a daily basis has their own list of “ugly” they deal with.  Maybe a bit more kindness, encouragement, and knowing that everyone carries something that weights more for them than others, can help each other during darker times. 

Bring it on, February 2020.  

32 thoughts on “January 2020, you sucked

  • February 3, 2020 at 08:59
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    So sorry for your rough start to 2020… hopefully it will get better for you!❤

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    • February 3, 2020 at 10:30
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      It will – February has already been kind. Just sometimes nice to vent and let people know that others have rough starts as well!

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  • February 3, 2020 at 13:41
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    Hopefully the rest of your year is much better. And October IS the best birthday month. 😉

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  • February 3, 2020 at 14:53
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    Oh no, bye January. February… you got this!

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  • February 3, 2020 at 15:57
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    Here’s to a better month! I hope it turns around!

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  • February 3, 2020 at 16:18
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    Just a reminder to us all that we have very little control of life. I’m sorry January was so tough for you. Here’s to a great February with each month getting even better from there!

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  • February 3, 2020 at 16:33
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    February is the love month. Wishing you the best and lots of love moving forward.

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  • February 3, 2020 at 18:07
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    I think we all have legit worries and fears and just because one trial is easy for one person doesn’t mean it would be for another. These are all learning opportunities that push us forward.

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  • February 3, 2020 at 18:13
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    Sounds like a very challenging month but you made it! February has got to be better!

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  • February 3, 2020 at 19:03
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    Umm. I can truthfully say 2020 has came in like a wrecking ball in my life as well. I started a miscarriage on the first, the day after I’d told the world I was pregnant. It’s been a rough start for sure.

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    • February 3, 2020 at 20:53
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      Hugs to you – let’s hope 2020 turns it around for the both of us.

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  • February 3, 2020 at 19:10
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    Kick January to the curb!! I really appreciated your open and honest post. Everyone has their trials and tribulations. I hope February is better for you. My youngest was born on the 19th of October, so we think it is a pretty special month as well.

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  • February 3, 2020 at 20:31
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    when i have a crummy time I often remind myself that on my very worst day that I’m better off then over half the world… it’s a nice perspective and generally changes my attitude. I hope February treats you kindly

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  • February 3, 2020 at 20:49
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    So sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I hope it gets better for you for the rest of the year. Life is not a bed of roses, but I always know that “this too shall pass”. Been there so I can empathize. Take care. xxx

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  • February 4, 2020 at 08:02
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    One heck of January you had but there are many more stories left write this year and hopefully soon they will be more positive for you!

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  • February 4, 2020 at 12:08
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    Rough start for sure. Take a deep breath and know it’s only up from here. You got this!

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  • February 4, 2020 at 13:41
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    I’m so sorry it started out so yucky for you. I deal with anxiety and heart palpitations too, not A-Fib, but I have had to go to the ER for it. There are a lot of medical issues that can cause anxiety. It’s not all about controlling it with the mind. I just want to say that in defense of you, because sometimes people have made me feel guilty for it. Sometimes it pops up out of nowhere. There are times I have been dehydrated or had low potassium, and my heart was racing. I wasn’t anxious until my heart was racing. Anyway, praying that you and your medical team can figure it out. Women are complex. Sometimes its hormone fluctuations, or it could be a plethora of other physiological things that are contributing to your heart racing and anxiety. I’m so sorry you are going through it. Know that you are not alone. Look up Dr. Jack Wolfson on FB. He is called the Paleo Cardiologist. Anyway, he has some good articles about heart things and anxiety. Hang in there. Let’s hope February is a great month for you!

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    • February 5, 2020 at 07:58
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      Thanks for the info – will check it out!

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  • February 4, 2020 at 17:12
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    Sorry for the rough start to your year.. I’m sure it will get better, Springtime always makes me feel better. Sounds like you have a plan..thanks for sharing

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  • February 5, 2020 at 15:41
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    Sorry so many things knocked you down in January! Good thing that month is behind us now. I wish your friend strength as she fights cancer.

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  • February 6, 2020 at 20:54
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    It sounds like you’ve been through a rocky start of the year. And what happened to Kobe and his daughter was very tragic. I have a feeling that things will pick up for you soon if you keep chugging along <3

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  • February 7, 2020 at 07:25
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    I saw a great meme the other day that said “Has anyone tried unplugging January, waiting 10 minutes, and plugging it back in?” I hope February is a lot better for you!

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    • February 8, 2020 at 14:42
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      I think we should try that!

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  • February 9, 2020 at 15:39
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    No matter how hard we try, January has a tendency to bring the ugly with it for a lot of people. We all deal with our “ugly” differently and it’s completely okay to feel the “ugly” out for a little bit. What’s good about January is that it has an end date. You can kiss it goodbye and start over with February. If February is tough, kiss it goodbye on the 29th and start over again on the 1st of March (which is MY favorite month of the year – lol). Here’s hoping you can “feel this out” quickly and find your joy in the second month of the year. You’ve got this!

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  • February 11, 2020 at 08:53
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    I agree, January was awful! Here is to hoping February will be better.

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  • February 13, 2020 at 09:51
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    I can relate with your post because I’m a 19-19 girl (except November)… Last year… same thing… but it gets better… 🙂

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  • February 14, 2020 at 19:18
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    So sorry for the rough start! I hope 2020 is only positive from here on!

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